Why Repair Matters?
Children from hard places and past trauma often experience relational ruptures, so much bigger than we realise. Even something small like a harsh tone, a misunderstanding, a moment of disconnection, can feel like a relational rupture to them. Their nervous systems can interpret these moments as a sign of rejection or abandonment. Even if it’s not logical to us, their bodies are wired for survival, and that wiring is shaped by past trauma.
Without repair, these ruptures can leave children to make meaning on their own:
“It must be my fault.”
“I’m unlovable.”
Repair interrupts that narrative. It tells your child:
- You are safe with me.
- Our relationship matters more than being right.
- You are not bad. You are loved.
This is where healing happens — not in perfection or working hard not to have conflict (impossible), but in reconnection.
What happens without Repair?
When parents (most often unintentionally) don’t take responsibility for their actions, children are left to fill in the blanks. And they often internalize the wrong story – often one of shame, one of self-blame.
But when you repair, you model something radically different. You teach your child that it’s okay to be human. That relationships can survive mistakes. That love comes back and makes things right.
It also helps your child give the real meaning of what happened. By talking about it you can help your child process it, instead of internalising it. Like this your child can interpret the situation in a different light.
As Christian parents, we lean into the heart of God — the God who restores, who draws near, who calls us beloved, even after we fall.
What does Repair look like?
Let us look at some practical ways to go about ‘repair’.
1. Don’t Argue in the Heat of the Moment
When emotions are high, wisdom is low. Therefore, it is best not to engage in the moment. Step away with care:
“I’m feeling upset right now. I’m going to take a few minutes to calm down. I’m still here, and I love you.”
Explain why you’re stepping away — so your child doesn’t feel abandoned. Abandonment can be a raw feeling especially for children who have been adopted and have the fear of abandonment as a form of trauma.
2. Invite, Don’t Force
Let your child know:
“When you’re ready, we can talk about what happened. You’re not in trouble.”
Give them space. They may not be ready right away. That’s okay. Keep showing up.
3. Find a Quiet Space
No distractions. No lectures. Just reconnection. Focus only on your part:
“I’m sorry for the things I said when I was upset. That wasn’t okay. You didn’t deserve that.”
Don’t demand an apology in return. This is about healing the relationship.
4. Create a Plan Together
After things have calmed down, talk about how to handle tough moments in the future. Make a simple plan:
- Use a hand signal for breaks
- No serious talks when emotions are high
- Write the plan down and post it somewhere visible – this can help with less talk during moments of conflict
Then review the plan later. What worked? What didn’t? Adjust as needed.
Repair does not mean Letting Everything Slide
Repairing doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour. You still address the behaviour — with love and clear boundaries.
“I love you, and we can work through this together. But it’s not okay to throw things when we’re angry. We’ll keep practicing safer ways to handle big feelings.”
Repair builds trust. Boundaries build safety. Both matter.
You’re Not Failing
You will have conflict. That doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means you’re human. What matters is that you keep coming back to repair.
Every repair tells your child:
- Our relationship is worth fighting for.
- You’re not too much for me.
- You are deeply loved, even on the hard days.
I find this Scripture really helpful in times like these: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
You don’t have to parent perfectly. You just have to parent faithfully — leaning into His strength, not your own.
✨ Download the Repair Cheat Sheet and Reflection Worksheet to help you take the next simple step forward.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep walking with Him.
Have you seen the power of repair in your own parenting? I’d love to hear from you — share your thoughts in the comments.
In connection and grace,
Claire
Trauma-Informed Post-Adoption Coach – helping Christian parents navigate the post-adoption season with faith and resilience – moving through the trauma, stress, and overwhelm to create a nurturing home, foster healing connections with their children, and walk in the grace and wisdom God provides for their family.
Know that you are not alone in this journey, and that there is hope!
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