What Is Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance is a skill from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).
It means fully acknowledging your present reality — not fighting it, not trying to fix it, and not wishing it away. It’s simply sitting with the truth of what is happening.
It’s important to understand:
- Radical acceptance does not mean you approve of the situation.
- It does not mean you are giving up hope.
- It does not mean you are powerless.
It’s simply saying:
“This is hard. This is where we are right now. I choose to stop fighting reality so I can find the peace and wisdom I need.”
In DBT, we sometimes describe it as riding the wave:
- You can fight the wave (and likely lose).
- You can get crushed under the wave (and feel like you’re drowning).
- Or you can ride the wave, trusting that you’ll get through it — not in your own strength alone, but by relying on God’s strength.
Faith is central to this practice. Radical acceptance is not just a mental exercise. It’s a spiritual surrender, where we lean on God and say:
“Lord, I can’t fix this, but I know You are with me — and Your grace is enough.”
Three Common Barriers to Radical Acceptance
There are three traps that often make radical acceptance hard for adoptive parents:
1. Comparison
It’s so easy to look at other families and wonder:
“Why is it easier for them?”
“Why do their children seem more connected or better behaved?”
But comparison will steal your peace. It will delay your healing.
Your family story is uniquely yours — and it is beautiful in God’s hands.
2. Self-Pity
When hard days pile up, self-pity whispers:
“Why me? Why does my family have to walk this hard road?”
Self-pity is a trap that keeps us stuck. A better question might be:
“Lord, how can I trust You even here?”
We shift from “Why me?” to “God, I trust You even in this.”
3. The Fix-It Mentality
Because you love your children deeply, it’s tempting to try to fix their pain. But trauma-rooted behaviours aren’t something you can solve through effort alone. Some things are beyond your control — and that’s where radical acceptance brings freedom.
Three Ways to Begin Practicing Radical Acceptance
Ready to take a small, hope-filled step?
Here’s how you can begin practicing radical acceptance today:
1. Pause and Acknowledge
Stop.
Take a deep breath.
And say out loud:
“This is hard. This is where we are right now. And that’s okay.”
Naming the difficulty doesn’t make it worse — it actually creates space for clarity and for God’s peace to meet you in the moment.
It’s important to validate your own experience as a parent. What you’re facing is hard, and it’s okay to recognize that without judgment. Radical acceptance doesn’t dismiss the struggle. It simply helps you acknowledge reality without getting stuck in it.
By validating the situation and your own feelings, you create room to move forward thoughtfully — rather than staying caught in frustration, blame, or overwhelm. Acceptance becomes the first step toward growth, change, and steady progress with God’s help.
2. Replace Fixing with Faith
Especially as an adoptive parent, you often feel this deep urge to fix everything — every meltdown, every hard behaviour, every hurting place in your child’s heart. But radical acceptance reminds you: it’s not all yours to fix.
Some things are simply too big, too rooted, too tender for your hands alone. And that’s where faith comes in.
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
(Psalm 46:10)
You don’t have to carry this weight by yourself. You are not failing because you can’t fix everything. You are human. And God never asked you to do this on your own.
It is important to note that radical acceptance isn’t about giving up. It’s about handing over what you cannot change — and trusting that God is still working even when you can’t see it yet.
Fixing comes from fear and control, while faith comes from trust and surrender.
“Radical acceptance isn’t giving up — it’s trusting God with what you can’t fix.”
3. Focus on What You Can Influence
As a parent, you cannot control your child’s trauma responses. You cannot control their behaviour.
But you can control your own response. You can create a home environment that feels safe, calm, and predictable.
One important part of this is learning to recognize how your body responds under stress. When your nervous system becomes activated (for example, feeling tense, overwhelmed, or reactive), your ability to respond calmly decreases.
Instead of reacting automatically, focus on small shifts that regulate your nervous system in the moment:
- Take slow, deep breaths to lower your stress response.
- Say a calming scripture out loud, such as, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
- Sing or hum a simple worship song to help your body settle.
These small, intentional actions can help you stay grounded — and when you are calmer, your child feels safer too.
How to Notice Progress (Even When It Feels Small)
Sometimes progress feels invisible.
That’s why it can help to “scale” the situation.
On a scale of 0 to 10, where:
- 0 = total chaos,
- 10 = peaceful, joyful family life,
Ask yourself:
“Where are we today?”
Maybe you’re at a 3.
You don’t have to jump to a 7 overnight.
Ask:
“What would it look like to move to a 3.5?”
Maybe that’s one moment of calm.
Maybe that’s one small shift in your response.
Radical acceptance seems small — but it is powerful.
A Final Encouragement
Healing doesn’t begin with fixing everything. Healing begins when we radically accept what is — and trust God with the rest.
You are not alone in this journey. You are deeply loved, and God’s grace is sufficient for every hard moment you face.
✨ Download the Radical Acceptance Reflection Worksheet to help you take the next simple step forward.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep walking with Him.
I’m cheering for you,
Claire
Trauma-Informed Post-Adoption Coach – helping Christian parents navigate the post-adoption season with faith and resilience – moving through the trauma, stress, and overwhelm to create a nurturing home, foster healing connections with their children, and walk in the grace and wisdom God provides for their family.
Know that you are not alone in this journey, and that there is hope!
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